It's the Little Miracles that Count

Where to start....      As many of you know, Bryce and I started the process to become foster parents back in October.  We were taking classes twice a week from 6-9pm, and sometimes Saturday classes were thrown in the mix  from 8am-5pm. In addition, we were having our home study completed. This meant, our selected family specialist would come into our home once a week for four weeks to interview us to get to know us better as a family. Needless to say October and November were a blur.  We completed everything to become foster parents, and had our application submitted before Thanksgiving. So the waiting began.  While waiting, Bryce and I decided to spend as much time as we could together.  We were completely focused on the foster care process and excited about our first placement.

Let me just pause for a moment and catch you all up with the detail that we have not thrown in the towel with our own fertility.   I guess I have to say that in August I found a new fertility doctor.  On my first visit, she looked at all of my previous tests and documents that I had faxed over and noticed something. She mentioned that I had quite the work up, but that she noticed in all of my scans the lining of my uterus was always thick.   She said I had all the tests ran that she would have had ran, but thought I should try another- a Hysteroscopy.  Google helped me explain this as a simple procedure that allows the doctor to look inside the uterus in order to diagnose and treat causes of abnormal bleeding.  To be honest, I was not in any hurry for any more tests. So I scheduled this procedure in October during my fall break.  During this procedure, polyps in my uterus were found and removed.  I was relieved and thought that polyps could be the cause of my early miscarriages.  Life went on as normal, but as mentioned above, our focus was really shifted to foster care.

On December 17, 2015, I woke up and the thought ran through my head that I should take a pregnancy test. I am kind of a test aholic- I test every month starting a few days before expected period.  I have gotten quite adjusted to seeing negative tests, so when a very faint line appeared I freaked.  I immediately took a digital and it was positive.  You would think that I would be calm and wait to tell Bryce, but no. I immediately jumped into bed, woke up Bryce and showed him the test.  It was barely 5am, so Bryce was very much asleep. He still immediately put a grin on his face and gave me a huge hug. What he said, I do not remember. I just remember we were both excited!

I immediately called in my doctors office and they scheduled me for my first beta check that afternoon.  Results came back within two hours that yes I was indeed pregnant. My progesterone levels were optimal as well, I was told to keep taking one progesterone pill a day to keep the optimal pregnancy levels.  Another test was scheduled, 4 days afterwards to monitor pregnancy. That test I dreaded. In my previous pregnancies, it was always in my second test that I would find that my levels were not doubling and to expect a miscarriage to follow. I could not wait for that test, so every two days I would take a cheap dollar store test to make sure the lines were getting darker. To my surprise, they were!!!  Bryce and I have never been good about keeping pregnancies a secret, so we immediately told me family the following Sunday. I have to be honest, that I also was looking forward to more prayer power for our little one.   That following Monday, my second test was taken and my levels had doubled and everything looked great. Oh I cried tears of joy, I couldn't believe it. We had never gotten that call before.  Christmas day, Bryce very casually shared the news with his family!  Bryce and I were ecstatic, but I have to admit I was very nervous.

We continued to have weekly beta tests, and we were passing them. Each phone call with results brought tears of joy and relief.  On January 7, we had our six week ultrasound. We saw that little guy and heard that beautiful strong heartbeat. That heartbeat was like the sweetest music to my ears.  I just felt my fears lift and could really see us bringing this baby into our home. That visit was a long one, with our specialist.  She went over the due date. Gave me the list of things to do, and what to avoid. She answered a lot of our questions. Haha Bryce had a lot of interesting questions, and we left with our pictures. 

The following week we went in again for our next ultrasound (when you are high risk, you have a lot more frequent visits). I was nervous, but nowhere near as nervous as I had been for the first ultrasound.   I saw our little guy on the screen, and I remember thinking how big it looked compared to the week before.  When it was time to hear the heart beat, I could tell something was not quite right. It did not sound like the week before.  It was slower. We were told, this was a concern but to not lose hope.  Our little guy had made the growth expected, so that was still a good sign.  She told us it could go either way.  Bryce and I walked out of that visit, determined to stay positive. I asked for extra prayers from my family, but the during the following week I did not want to talk to them. I did not want to hear any sort of doubts or feel the I am sorrys. Bryce and I decided we wanted to cling to faith and to each other.  That Sunday, we watched The Prince of Egypt.  The miracle song rang loud to me, as it had in the past during my mission. I played that song a lot throughout the week, and spent a lot of time on my knees pleading for a miracle. One of those nights praying, I felt a little selfish because I was not giving any thought about this little guy and his needs. I told my Heavenly Father that the child I carried was His and surely He knew what was best for him. I told my Father in Heaven that I wanted His will to be done.  I let Him take over.  During this prayer a real sense of peace came over me.  Also during this week Bryce and I had random dance parties. One of the times it was to the song, "Stand by You", by Rachel Platten.  Bryce and I were really just being goofy, but at the same time I do not think I will ever forget that dance. We were so happy and love during that dance and for a moment all our cares were gone and it was just us.

On January 21, we went in for our next ultrasound and no heart beat was found. I do not remember much, but I do remember how shocked I was with how calm I was.  I was and still am happy that we have made it past our first challenge of implantation. This was a huge success!  Our options were laid before us, but Dr. Bahera thought it would be wise to collect tissue for genetic testing.  That was definitely something I wanted as well. So I informed her then that I wanted to schedule a D&C for the following Wednesday, unless it occurred naturally before then.  We left, but I was still not ready to talk or share the news with anyone. In fact, I didn't. Bryce did.  We have received so much love from our families and friend including flowers and dinners. Although I have not quite been ready to talk, I am grateful for those acts of love and service rendered.

So how am I doing? Well it is weird.  I feel at peace with the loss of our little one, but my body is reacting in ways I have not had before.  I have very random and untimely crying fits. I feel so tired, and almost like I have been hit by a bus. I might actually be sick, not sure.  There is a lot of pressure in my head, and I am just drained.  Other than this, I am really good.

Bryce and I both are certain that we will be parents one day. We are still anxiously waiting for our license. We are waiting for my background check to come back from the state of Utah.  I know God has a plan for us and everything is in His timing. Currently I am in no hurry. We will get a placement when it is right.

My hope through this post is that I might be able to release some of the feelings I have had. I look back and I am grateful for how close I have been able to grow towards Bryce. He is one patient, kind, loving man. I truly mean this. I think back at that song we danced during that hard week and have listened to the words.  Bryce has definitely been standing by my side. He has been my wings and has been constantly lifting me up. I am proud to be his wife and cannot wait for us to have children in our home.

If you are reading this, and are going through something similar.  Please remember you are not alone.  

Don't Let Time Pass you by

Recently I came across a blog post from Al Fox Carraway, you can find the blogpost Here.  
In the blogpost Al Fox Carraway shares her feelings of when she first became a member of the LDS church and thought she would never get married.  Her message brought me hope, although I am marrried, I often feel like I might never have children of my own.  I can't think that way. The following is a paragraph that I most related to : "Don't let passing time allow doubts and unsettling thoughts to take over. Don't lose patience and miss out on what He has in store for you. Don't hold yourself back from learning and growing and experiencing other things. Just hold on and don't lose confidence.  Heavenly Father knows what’s important to us and what we need. "

Believe me, these past couple of months have been pretty tough. At times I feel completely fine, optimistic, and so blessed  (truly I am very blessed), but all of that tumbles as soon as doubt fills my head.   I more than anything, want to be with my little one in my arms (recently my first due date just past on July 2nd).  I see friends with their new babies, or with their beautiful big bellies, and sometimes think I should be with them.  However friends, rest assured I do not at all in any way resent you! I recently had a great friend and her family come and stay at our home. She was so sweet and wanted to know how I was doing, but in addition how I felt around friends who have growing families. I figured if she was wondering, maybe some of you are too. I am so happy for my friends and family members who have babies, and are pregnant.  Do not feel like you have to walk on egg shells to share with me your happy news of another new addition! I too am very happy for you! I love children and nothing makes me happier than knowing families are growing. Just maybe don't feel offended if I do not attend your baby shower. For some reason those are hard for me. I know that sounds silly, and is. I will get over it with time.  More than anything know that your happy news brings me hope in that I too might have the same happy news to share.  I believe each baby is a miracle, so please keep sharing your miracles with me! We recently celebrated the1st birthday of this little miracle!

Ok well the other thing that Al Fox Carraway's blog reminded me of, is that nobody has it perfect! It is so easy for us to look at pictures of our friends and think that they have life figured out!  I can't really say for sure, but I am pretty sure that is completely a false assumption. Everyone has something that they are going through whether they be single, married, or with children. The lesson I learned on my mission that I keep remembering is that this life is not meant to to be easy. We do not want it to be either.  Every experience that we have is for our good, we need to own them and take strength in them!  My husband reminds me to be present in the here and now and not get caught up in what will be or what could have been.  We need to take ownership in what is going on in our life.

Infertility is hard in many ways, and in the not so obvious way is now I need to really educate myself and know more about my body.  Infertility is quite complicated actually.  There are so many different types of tests they run and well I need to know what they are and what they are for.  I have found strength and sharing my experiences and finding friends who are going through similar things. I have found one awesome friend in particular who we exchange notes and try to help each other understand the various tests being ran.  This friend is actually really wise and I will share a tip that I have learned from her. Keep your own file and ask for copies of everything the doctors run. I cannot say enough how important it is to educate yourself.  When the doctor says something go home and research it.  Take notes of everything that is said in a meeting with a doctor and put those notes in your file! Keep a calendar and take notes of everything. Most importantly if you do not agree or feel comfortable with a doctor, do not be afraid to get a second opinion or find another doctor.  Although I share this about infertility, the same applies to really anything medical. I feel so silly that I never thought to do the same before, but to be honest before all this I could care less about going in to see doctors (I rarely went).

Ok so I am sorry this blog post is getting a little long, but I just wanted to stress one last thing.  When hardships are upon you, do not let them take hold of you. Poor Bryce has had to, in more occasions than I would like to admit, help me up and remind me of this. We all have a lot of uncertainties in our lives, and I guess my big one right now is our children. I wish I had the answers, or at least more answers but I don't. One thing I know for sure is that I do not want time to pass me by! When I was getting ready to graduate from BYU, I actually started looking into grad school in one particular program... Educational Leadership. I decided then that I wanted more teaching experience first. Educational Leadership has never left my mind. Well I have decided that now is my time to go back to school and I am. This school year I will be teaching full time, and working on my masters degree. Woo Hoo!

Well my dear friends thank you for support, prayers, and love!

It's a climb

This blog has really turned into therapy for me. I share it, in hopes that I might be able to help someone who is going through infertility in some way as well. It is a hard, scary, emotional, but as I have a learned through sharing, it does not have to be lonely battle. I am so grateful for all of the love and support we received with our last post. I received so many messages and learned of so many of my friends who have been struggling with this for years. Bryce and I are only just beginning this journey.  I might be sharing too much info, but then again it might be helpful for someone else.

These past few weeks has been a whirlwind for our family.   In January and February, my fertility specialist had a variety of tests ran. Mostly blood work to test my thyroid, progesterone, hormone levels, and many others. He also ran a test to look at the shape of my uterus and look closely at my ovaries. Everything came back looking normal. The only thing the specialist found is that I have polycystic ovaries, not the syndrome.  He was not worried about me having polycystic ovaries, because I do not have the syndrome. He told me to take a baby aspirin a day, and continue taking prenatal.  He  told us us that we can start trying whenever we felt ready again. He gave me Endometrin pills to take twice a day, the moment I found out I was pregnant again.  This was to give my body extra progesterone to help my body maintain the pregnancy.

Well getting the news that everything was normal, made us excited to try again. The specialist did not seem to concern about the pain I experienced during the first two pregnancies, so I decided  I should not be either.  In March, Bryce and I decided we would try again.   I must be super fertile, because I immediately got pregnant. This time I was making a note of everything, and marking when things began. Before I knew I was pregnant, I started to experience sharp pain in my lower right abdomen.  A couple of days later, I found out I was pregnant, but the pain only escalated.  On Easter Sunday, Bryce and I received the news that my hcg levels had dropped  and we knew this pregnancy was over.

Oddly, this miscarriage has been easier. I think it is because I know without a doubt that the pain is a factor.  Also during this miscarriage, Bryce and I have felt that adoption has been placed in our hearts.  As soon as it was, we feel like a huge burden has been lifted from our shoulders.  Do not get us wrong, we are not giving up on having our own children. In fact I have another appointment with my specialist on Tuesday. We just feel that there are children who need a loving home and it would be our great honor to become the parents to one (or maybe more) of those children.

We know we are on a journey.  We just do not know what is ahead of us. We are excited for our future and in growing our family.  Life is climb. We constantly need to be working our way towards something.   Someone at church today said, trials lead to miracles. This is how we choose to look at our trials. We in fact, are seeing miracles already.

Hope all of you are doing well!

Heartaches

I have been meaning to write another blog post for quite some time.  The truth is these last couple of months have been  unexpected and trying.  I feel though these thoughts need to be put down so I can move forward. Also know that what I write is my own personal beliefs and opinions.

When Bryce and I got married, we  knew we wanted kids and a family. We also did not want to rush into it either. We believed that having kids is an act of faith. The Lord would bless us with kids when we were ready and we would gladly accept them. That is what I truly believed.  Well in October we were both so busy planning a tri-ward Halloween party that I did not realize I was late.  Sure enough I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant.  We were so excited and nervous.  We would be expecting our first around July 2nd.  The night I took the pregnancy test, Bryce wanted to announce it to the world. Somehow I was able to convince him to start just with the family. The truth was, something just did not feel right. I spent a lot of time on my knees pleading with the Lord to protect the baby. A couple days later, I went in to see my OBGYN.  She confirmed I was pregnant. I shared my concerns (I was experiencing pain in my right abdomen), and so more tests were ordered for two days ahead. To shorten the story, my HCG levels had dropped confirming my worst fears, I would be losing this baby.  My OBGYN told Bryce and I, that miscarriages are common and when we were ready to go ahead and start trying again. The next couple of days were horrible. I did not want to talk or be around anyone.  I felt a horrible pain in my heart, a loss. I grateful for my job as a kindergarten teacher, because my students truly lifted my heart. 

Although we had suffered a great loss, Bryce and I felt the same way we had in the past about children.  The Lord would bless us with children if it was right, when we were ready, when He wanted us to have them.   Without really meaning to, we got pregnant again within weeks of the miscarriage.  I was determined to be as optimistic as I could. We were thrilled, but told each other we would not tell anyone until we had reached 12 weeks.  Again I spent every spare moment praying and pleading that the Lord would help me carry this child.  I immediately went in to see my OBGYN. Again she confirmed I was pregnant,  and ordered tests to be done in two days.  My HCG levels had gone drastically down.  My heart sank deeper than ever before. I felt like a murderer.  I felt like a sinner. If only I was more faithful, trustworthy. I felt alone. None of the women in my direct family had suffered a miscarriage.  Bryce couldn't understand me.  I really felt alone. I was, however, very lucky that my OBGYN had referred me to a infertility specialist.  I had my doubts, but set the appointment for the earliest possible opening (which was a month away).  I have to say the second miscarriage was much more difficult than the first. My days seemed to have less color. I continued just by putting one foot in front of the other.

Even though it might sound funny, talking about my miscarriages brings me hope.  I have found that it is actually very common and I love hearing success stories from other women and even men. I do have to say the burden, however, was drastically lifted as I went to the specialist. He listen to my concerns, was very honest with me, but more than that was and is willing to work with Bryce and I to help us.

I do not know our future, but Bryce and I keep our faith. We still believe that having children is an act of faith.  I guess we just have to be patient. Although I am not a mother yet, I have a taste of what it feels like to want to protect your children so badly. I guess it hard when you have no control. The things that I know to be true is that we are not alone in our life and in our trials. Trust in the Lord and He will direct thy path.

Friends if you have stories you would like to share, I would love to hear them.

Ain't No Other Man

Obviously I am not much of a blogger, but Saturday marks six months of marriage with Bryce and  I just wanted to share a little bit of our story. It all began with the very smooth line, "Hey I like your glasses".  What could I say I was smitten.  I do have to be honest and say it was not all rainbows and butterflies from there. Neither one of us was really willing to commit to the other.  Whenever anybody asked me about him, I would simply reply Bryce is my friend.  It  seems like Bryce went from just my friend to my husband.  If I am honest, that is probably exactly what happened. As my husband however, he has turned into my very best friend.  

I would have to say that the first month of marriage was the most difficult. As we were both used to living and being on our own, coming together as one was a little bit of a transition. You always hear that being married to a doctor, or lawyer is difficult because of the amount of hours they put into their work.   I guess I did not expect it would be similar to be the wife of a swim coach. Okay so probably not really. But he does not get home until 8 or later and he sometimes has swim meets during the weekends.  I love that my husband is a coach. He is so passionate about what he does, which is one of things that I love most about Bryce. So we just had to figure out how to enhance the quality of our time!

When we first got married we had two separate lives. He was coach,  and I was a kindergarten teacher.  I would get home around 6pm and start on dinner.  I did not know how to cook, still do not, but I had access to the internet.   Yes in the beginning it would take about 2 hours to cook a simple meal for my husband and I.  He would come home and we would enjoy our meal together. Side note- he is the number one fan of my cooking, because he says I cook with love... so true! Anyway we would enjoy our meal, and then get cozy on the couch and watch a movie or a show. At 10:30pm we would go to bed. This was our pattern. This was a recipe for our difficult first month of marriage.

How did we enhance the quality of our time? Well this is something we are still working on, but is constantly progressing.  We eat dinner at the table, to give us more time to talk without distractions.  Great move. We still do enjoy watching shows and movies, but we try not to spend all our time watching T.V.  We have added playing games, working out, cleaning, going out with the missionaries, and the list goes on of things we enjoy doing together.  Variety is good for us.  Enhancing our quality of time has been good for us, but I do have to admit what has strengthen our marriage is that both Bryce and I strive to be the best we can be.

I cannot speak for Bryce, so I will speak for myself. Bryce has been nothing but supportive of me. He is constantly cheering me on, in whatever I choose to do or become. This makes me want to be better.  The more he does for me, the more I appreciate him and want to be better. I feel like it does the same for him.  So the outcome is both of us striving to be better for the other, which strengthens our marriage. I am not sure if this makes sense out loud, but it does for me and I guess that is all that really matters. 

 

Well I hope whoever reads this post enjoys it! I am planning on writing more posts about  some of my passions and projects in later posts ;)

Change is All Around

Wow, so I do realize I have not blogged about anything in a very long time. I have been wanting to, but I guess I have been pretty busy this school year.  Let me give you a short recap of this school year!

In August I returned back to Beijing, China. While I was away during the summer two of my good friends, Lauren and Leah, moved me to a new apartment with them.  Lauren has spent most of her time outside of Beijing, due to work reasons. Living with Leah has been so much fun! She is a great cook and such a wonderful support!

In September/ October our Branch split. Luckily I was re- called to work with the Young Women, but this time as a Second Counselor.  Here we are baking a cake! Well we are missing a few girls in this picture! Since the split, we continue to do mutual together with the Beijing 4th branch. Our Branch consists of the lovely sisters, Sarah and Emily!

I immediately went back to work at Beanstalk International Bilingual School and began a new year teaching 3rd grade to 20 wonderful students. I have to be quite honest in saying we have all done a lot of learning this school. I am so glad that we have 9 more weeks together!  In addition this school year I was given the opportunity to be the third grade team leader, co-director of the school's Spring Show, and student adviser for the green team, after school social dance for students ages reception- 2nd grade, and movie- making for students 3rd - 6th grade.

At the end of September Leah, Sabrina, Vickie and I spent a  week traveling in Seoul, Korea. Leah and I actually were quite entertained just wandering around the streets of Seoul.  We went to drumming shows, international dance competitions, parades, and even a free Psy concert.

At the end of October Joanne, one of my dearest friends in Beijing was baptized! She is so awesome! She too has become one of my greatest supports here in Beijing! She is a power house and I am so grateful we are friends! In the beginning of November I got to go to Girl's Camp and be a  helper in the kitchen. We got to do girls camp on the Great wall! 

In December, I finally got to meet little miss Camila and play with Evandro! In other words I spent Christmas with the family at Gabby and Jose's house! It was a nice break from work and Beijing!

January was a month full of brave visitors.  It started off with an old family friend, Maggie coming out to visit and later Abram. It was nice having friends from home visit and see the world I have been living the last year and a half.   Abram and I went on a super trip. For two weeks we traveled Thailand and Cambodia.

January / February was really the month that I started focusing on what I would be doing the following school year.  Nothing felt right. For the next several months I had a theme song, "It's the Climb", by Miley Cyrus. I know very cheesy, but that song motivated me!  During this time I felt like I had no direction. After getting the right push by my principal I finally decided to start looking in the international route.  In April, I took the risk and flew 16 hours to London, England (only because I went to Dubai first) for an International teaching Job Fair.  As it turns out, I did not actually choose my job from attending the job fair. It was because I attended the fair that I felt confident with who I have become professionally and with the decision I have made!  I cannot express how happy I am with the decision I have made. The above picture was taken right before my first skype interview with Pechersk School International. Next fall I will be moving myself to Kyiv, Ukraine to teach 2nd grade at PSI!

Anyway, I have made it a goal to write more on my blog. Actually it is my goal to share more of my personal experiences and the many tender mercies I see from my Father in Heaven. I am just a regular girl, doing regular things. Somehow these regular things, were things I could have never imagined 8 years ago when I graduated high school or even 3 years ago when I returned back from serving a mission. Life is crazy, but oh so wonderful. Here are a few things that I know and have driven me to do things that I never though I would be capable of doing:

1. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.
2. Christ atoned not only for our all our sins, but also for all our pains, sicknesses, and afflictions.
3. If we keep the commandments we will be blessed in all aspects of our lives. 
4. There is no greater happiness then living and following the gospel of Jesus Christ.
5. The Book of Mormon is another testament of Christ and goes hand in hand with the Bible. The scriptures are a guide for our life.  We can receive much strength, comfort, and support if we read and study them on a daily basis.

Okay so those are just a few precious truths that I know.  I just wanted to publicly share these things and thank my family and friends for all of their support!

End of the School year!

Oh, how I cannot believe the end of my first year of teaching is coming to an end. Oh man, what a year it has been as well!  I am so glad I ended up teaching third grade. My students have kept me smiling this year. This past Monday, we had our 3rd grade Talent Show. We decided to do a talent show to wrap up our last unit on how artists express themselves using a variety of media.  Each class came up with a number to perform, and students from all the classes were able to perform their talents as well. It was a big success and we all had fun!  For the talent show, I decided to teach my class, "De Colores".  Sometimes I think I teach the students things to make myself laugh. This was probably one of those things.  I did not have a chance to record the actual performance from the talent show, but did have my students do it again for me today! I hope this makes you smile as much as it makes me! P.S. in the actual performance, I had the kids translate the song!

I just cannot believe Friday is my last day with these little guys! Time sure does fly.