Don't Let Time Pass you by

Recently I came across a blog post from Al Fox Carraway, you can find the blogpost Here.  
In the blogpost Al Fox Carraway shares her feelings of when she first became a member of the LDS church and thought she would never get married.  Her message brought me hope, although I am marrried, I often feel like I might never have children of my own.  I can't think that way. The following is a paragraph that I most related to : "Don't let passing time allow doubts and unsettling thoughts to take over. Don't lose patience and miss out on what He has in store for you. Don't hold yourself back from learning and growing and experiencing other things. Just hold on and don't lose confidence.  Heavenly Father knows what’s important to us and what we need. "

Believe me, these past couple of months have been pretty tough. At times I feel completely fine, optimistic, and so blessed  (truly I am very blessed), but all of that tumbles as soon as doubt fills my head.   I more than anything, want to be with my little one in my arms (recently my first due date just past on July 2nd).  I see friends with their new babies, or with their beautiful big bellies, and sometimes think I should be with them.  However friends, rest assured I do not at all in any way resent you! I recently had a great friend and her family come and stay at our home. She was so sweet and wanted to know how I was doing, but in addition how I felt around friends who have growing families. I figured if she was wondering, maybe some of you are too. I am so happy for my friends and family members who have babies, and are pregnant.  Do not feel like you have to walk on egg shells to share with me your happy news of another new addition! I too am very happy for you! I love children and nothing makes me happier than knowing families are growing. Just maybe don't feel offended if I do not attend your baby shower. For some reason those are hard for me. I know that sounds silly, and is. I will get over it with time.  More than anything know that your happy news brings me hope in that I too might have the same happy news to share.  I believe each baby is a miracle, so please keep sharing your miracles with me! We recently celebrated the1st birthday of this little miracle!

Ok well the other thing that Al Fox Carraway's blog reminded me of, is that nobody has it perfect! It is so easy for us to look at pictures of our friends and think that they have life figured out!  I can't really say for sure, but I am pretty sure that is completely a false assumption. Everyone has something that they are going through whether they be single, married, or with children. The lesson I learned on my mission that I keep remembering is that this life is not meant to to be easy. We do not want it to be either.  Every experience that we have is for our good, we need to own them and take strength in them!  My husband reminds me to be present in the here and now and not get caught up in what will be or what could have been.  We need to take ownership in what is going on in our life.

Infertility is hard in many ways, and in the not so obvious way is now I need to really educate myself and know more about my body.  Infertility is quite complicated actually.  There are so many different types of tests they run and well I need to know what they are and what they are for.  I have found strength and sharing my experiences and finding friends who are going through similar things. I have found one awesome friend in particular who we exchange notes and try to help each other understand the various tests being ran.  This friend is actually really wise and I will share a tip that I have learned from her. Keep your own file and ask for copies of everything the doctors run. I cannot say enough how important it is to educate yourself.  When the doctor says something go home and research it.  Take notes of everything that is said in a meeting with a doctor and put those notes in your file! Keep a calendar and take notes of everything. Most importantly if you do not agree or feel comfortable with a doctor, do not be afraid to get a second opinion or find another doctor.  Although I share this about infertility, the same applies to really anything medical. I feel so silly that I never thought to do the same before, but to be honest before all this I could care less about going in to see doctors (I rarely went).

Ok so I am sorry this blog post is getting a little long, but I just wanted to stress one last thing.  When hardships are upon you, do not let them take hold of you. Poor Bryce has had to, in more occasions than I would like to admit, help me up and remind me of this. We all have a lot of uncertainties in our lives, and I guess my big one right now is our children. I wish I had the answers, or at least more answers but I don't. One thing I know for sure is that I do not want time to pass me by! When I was getting ready to graduate from BYU, I actually started looking into grad school in one particular program... Educational Leadership. I decided then that I wanted more teaching experience first. Educational Leadership has never left my mind. Well I have decided that now is my time to go back to school and I am. This school year I will be teaching full time, and working on my masters degree. Woo Hoo!

Well my dear friends thank you for support, prayers, and love!

It's a climb

This blog has really turned into therapy for me. I share it, in hopes that I might be able to help someone who is going through infertility in some way as well. It is a hard, scary, emotional, but as I have a learned through sharing, it does not have to be lonely battle. I am so grateful for all of the love and support we received with our last post. I received so many messages and learned of so many of my friends who have been struggling with this for years. Bryce and I are only just beginning this journey.  I might be sharing too much info, but then again it might be helpful for someone else.

These past few weeks has been a whirlwind for our family.   In January and February, my fertility specialist had a variety of tests ran. Mostly blood work to test my thyroid, progesterone, hormone levels, and many others. He also ran a test to look at the shape of my uterus and look closely at my ovaries. Everything came back looking normal. The only thing the specialist found is that I have polycystic ovaries, not the syndrome.  He was not worried about me having polycystic ovaries, because I do not have the syndrome. He told me to take a baby aspirin a day, and continue taking prenatal.  He  told us us that we can start trying whenever we felt ready again. He gave me Endometrin pills to take twice a day, the moment I found out I was pregnant again.  This was to give my body extra progesterone to help my body maintain the pregnancy.

Well getting the news that everything was normal, made us excited to try again. The specialist did not seem to concern about the pain I experienced during the first two pregnancies, so I decided  I should not be either.  In March, Bryce and I decided we would try again.   I must be super fertile, because I immediately got pregnant. This time I was making a note of everything, and marking when things began. Before I knew I was pregnant, I started to experience sharp pain in my lower right abdomen.  A couple of days later, I found out I was pregnant, but the pain only escalated.  On Easter Sunday, Bryce and I received the news that my hcg levels had dropped  and we knew this pregnancy was over.

Oddly, this miscarriage has been easier. I think it is because I know without a doubt that the pain is a factor.  Also during this miscarriage, Bryce and I have felt that adoption has been placed in our hearts.  As soon as it was, we feel like a huge burden has been lifted from our shoulders.  Do not get us wrong, we are not giving up on having our own children. In fact I have another appointment with my specialist on Tuesday. We just feel that there are children who need a loving home and it would be our great honor to become the parents to one (or maybe more) of those children.

We know we are on a journey.  We just do not know what is ahead of us. We are excited for our future and in growing our family.  Life is climb. We constantly need to be working our way towards something.   Someone at church today said, trials lead to miracles. This is how we choose to look at our trials. We in fact, are seeing miracles already.

Hope all of you are doing well!

Heartaches

I have been meaning to write another blog post for quite some time.  The truth is these last couple of months have been  unexpected and trying.  I feel though these thoughts need to be put down so I can move forward. Also know that what I write is my own personal beliefs and opinions.

When Bryce and I got married, we  knew we wanted kids and a family. We also did not want to rush into it either. We believed that having kids is an act of faith. The Lord would bless us with kids when we were ready and we would gladly accept them. That is what I truly believed.  Well in October we were both so busy planning a tri-ward Halloween party that I did not realize I was late.  Sure enough I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant.  We were so excited and nervous.  We would be expecting our first around July 2nd.  The night I took the pregnancy test, Bryce wanted to announce it to the world. Somehow I was able to convince him to start just with the family. The truth was, something just did not feel right. I spent a lot of time on my knees pleading with the Lord to protect the baby. A couple days later, I went in to see my OBGYN.  She confirmed I was pregnant. I shared my concerns (I was experiencing pain in my right abdomen), and so more tests were ordered for two days ahead. To shorten the story, my HCG levels had dropped confirming my worst fears, I would be losing this baby.  My OBGYN told Bryce and I, that miscarriages are common and when we were ready to go ahead and start trying again. The next couple of days were horrible. I did not want to talk or be around anyone.  I felt a horrible pain in my heart, a loss. I grateful for my job as a kindergarten teacher, because my students truly lifted my heart. 

Although we had suffered a great loss, Bryce and I felt the same way we had in the past about children.  The Lord would bless us with children if it was right, when we were ready, when He wanted us to have them.   Without really meaning to, we got pregnant again within weeks of the miscarriage.  I was determined to be as optimistic as I could. We were thrilled, but told each other we would not tell anyone until we had reached 12 weeks.  Again I spent every spare moment praying and pleading that the Lord would help me carry this child.  I immediately went in to see my OBGYN. Again she confirmed I was pregnant,  and ordered tests to be done in two days.  My HCG levels had gone drastically down.  My heart sank deeper than ever before. I felt like a murderer.  I felt like a sinner. If only I was more faithful, trustworthy. I felt alone. None of the women in my direct family had suffered a miscarriage.  Bryce couldn't understand me.  I really felt alone. I was, however, very lucky that my OBGYN had referred me to a infertility specialist.  I had my doubts, but set the appointment for the earliest possible opening (which was a month away).  I have to say the second miscarriage was much more difficult than the first. My days seemed to have less color. I continued just by putting one foot in front of the other.

Even though it might sound funny, talking about my miscarriages brings me hope.  I have found that it is actually very common and I love hearing success stories from other women and even men. I do have to say the burden, however, was drastically lifted as I went to the specialist. He listen to my concerns, was very honest with me, but more than that was and is willing to work with Bryce and I to help us.

I do not know our future, but Bryce and I keep our faith. We still believe that having children is an act of faith.  I guess we just have to be patient. Although I am not a mother yet, I have a taste of what it feels like to want to protect your children so badly. I guess it hard when you have no control. The things that I know to be true is that we are not alone in our life and in our trials. Trust in the Lord and He will direct thy path.

Friends if you have stories you would like to share, I would love to hear them.