Let me just pause for a moment and catch you all up with the detail that we have not thrown in the towel with our own fertility. I guess I have to say that in August I found a new fertility doctor. On my first visit, she looked at all of my previous tests and documents that I had faxed over and noticed something. She mentioned that I had quite the work up, but that she noticed in all of my scans the lining of my uterus was always thick. She said I had all the tests ran that she would have had ran, but thought I should try another- a Hysteroscopy. Google helped me explain this as a simple procedure that allows the doctor to look inside the uterus in order to diagnose and treat causes of abnormal bleeding. To be honest, I was not in any hurry for any more tests. So I scheduled this procedure in October during my fall break. During this procedure, polyps in my uterus were found and removed. I was relieved and thought that polyps could be the cause of my early miscarriages. Life went on as normal, but as mentioned above, our focus was really shifted to foster care.
On December 17, 2015, I woke up and the thought ran through my head that I should take a pregnancy test. I am kind of a test aholic- I test every month starting a few days before expected period. I have gotten quite adjusted to seeing negative tests, so when a very faint line appeared I freaked. I immediately took a digital and it was positive. You would think that I would be calm and wait to tell Bryce, but no. I immediately jumped into bed, woke up Bryce and showed him the test. It was barely 5am, so Bryce was very much asleep. He still immediately put a grin on his face and gave me a huge hug. What he said, I do not remember. I just remember we were both excited!
I immediately called in my doctors office and they scheduled me for my first beta check that afternoon. Results came back within two hours that yes I was indeed pregnant. My progesterone levels were optimal as well, I was told to keep taking one progesterone pill a day to keep the optimal pregnancy levels. Another test was scheduled, 4 days afterwards to monitor pregnancy. That test I dreaded. In my previous pregnancies, it was always in my second test that I would find that my levels were not doubling and to expect a miscarriage to follow. I could not wait for that test, so every two days I would take a cheap dollar store test to make sure the lines were getting darker. To my surprise, they were!!! Bryce and I have never been good about keeping pregnancies a secret, so we immediately told me family the following Sunday. I have to be honest, that I also was looking forward to more prayer power for our little one. That following Monday, my second test was taken and my levels had doubled and everything looked great. Oh I cried tears of joy, I couldn't believe it. We had never gotten that call before. Christmas day, Bryce very casually shared the news with his family! Bryce and I were ecstatic, but I have to admit I was very nervous.
We continued to have weekly beta tests, and we were passing them. Each phone call with results brought tears of joy and relief. On January 7, we had our six week ultrasound. We saw that little guy and heard that beautiful strong heartbeat. That heartbeat was like the sweetest music to my ears. I just felt my fears lift and could really see us bringing this baby into our home. That visit was a long one, with our specialist. She went over the due date. Gave me the list of things to do, and what to avoid. She answered a lot of our questions. Haha Bryce had a lot of interesting questions, and we left with our pictures.
The following week we went in again for our next ultrasound (when you are high risk, you have a lot more frequent visits). I was nervous, but nowhere near as nervous as I had been for the first ultrasound. I saw our little guy on the screen, and I remember thinking how big it looked compared to the week before. When it was time to hear the heart beat, I could tell something was not quite right. It did not sound like the week before. It was slower. We were told, this was a concern but to not lose hope. Our little guy had made the growth expected, so that was still a good sign. She told us it could go either way. Bryce and I walked out of that visit, determined to stay positive. I asked for extra prayers from my family, but the during the following week I did not want to talk to them. I did not want to hear any sort of doubts or feel the I am sorrys. Bryce and I decided we wanted to cling to faith and to each other. That Sunday, we watched The Prince of Egypt. The miracle song rang loud to me, as it had in the past during my mission. I played that song a lot throughout the week, and spent a lot of time on my knees pleading for a miracle. One of those nights praying, I felt a little selfish because I was not giving any thought about this little guy and his needs. I told my Heavenly Father that the child I carried was His and surely He knew what was best for him. I told my Father in Heaven that I wanted His will to be done. I let Him take over. During this prayer a real sense of peace came over me. Also during this week Bryce and I had random dance parties. One of the times it was to the song, "Stand by You", by Rachel Platten. Bryce and I were really just being goofy, but at the same time I do not think I will ever forget that dance. We were so happy and love during that dance and for a moment all our cares were gone and it was just us.
On January 21, we went in for our next ultrasound and no heart beat was found. I do not remember much, but I do remember how shocked I was with how calm I was. I was and still am happy that we have made it past our first challenge of implantation. This was a huge success! Our options were laid before us, but Dr. Bahera thought it would be wise to collect tissue for genetic testing. That was definitely something I wanted as well. So I informed her then that I wanted to schedule a D&C for the following Wednesday, unless it occurred naturally before then. We left, but I was still not ready to talk or share the news with anyone. In fact, I didn't. Bryce did. We have received so much love from our families and friend including flowers and dinners. Although I have not quite been ready to talk, I am grateful for those acts of love and service rendered.
So how am I doing? Well it is weird. I feel at peace with the loss of our little one, but my body is reacting in ways I have not had before. I have very random and untimely crying fits. I feel so tired, and almost like I have been hit by a bus. I might actually be sick, not sure. There is a lot of pressure in my head, and I am just drained. Other than this, I am really good.
Bryce and I both are certain that we will be parents one day. We are still anxiously waiting for our license. We are waiting for my background check to come back from the state of Utah. I know God has a plan for us and everything is in His timing. Currently I am in no hurry. We will get a placement when it is right.
My hope through this post is that I might be able to release some of the feelings I have had. I look back and I am grateful for how close I have been able to grow towards Bryce. He is one patient, kind, loving man. I truly mean this. I think back at that song we danced during that hard week and have listened to the words. Bryce has definitely been standing by my side. He has been my wings and has been constantly lifting me up. I am proud to be his wife and cannot wait for us to have children in our home.
If you are reading this, and are going through something similar. Please remember you are not alone.
